How it feels to be single for the first time at 29: a story in progress
Being single is weird. You are free to do anything you want and sometimes all you want is hang out on the couch all Sunday long eating pizza and watching Netflix.
Being single is fun. You do everything in your own time without questioning anyone about their availability or preferences.
Being single is overwhelming. You miss someone at the end of the day when you get home. Sundays, holidays and special occasions are the worse. Loneliness gets real.
Being single is liberating. You are free to surround yourself with people of your own choice. You don’t need to hang out with your boyfriend’s friend that has nothing in common with you.
Being single is a quite experience. You get to learn more about yourself you can fall in and out of love with yourself and the best thing is that you know you guys will never broke-up. The love you nurture for yourself — that’s the real unconditional love.
The most valuable asset we all have is time.
In the recent years, I’ve become more aware of how I use mine. When it comes to romantic relationships the topic gains depth. I met a young-successful engineer who shared her strategy to finding a partner:
“I give the person a month. I’m an amazing person and I know that. If they are not clear about their intentions with me after a month I simply stop seeing them and move on”.
It might be too radical, but yet very effective.
It takes a lot of confidence to cut a relationship in the very beginning based mostly on your impressions and intuition. Honestly? Most of the times when we stay in a relationship for too long the cause of the break-up is a problem that we had identified at the very beginning of the relationship. Those red flags, you know?
You didn’t like his friends, his attitude towards work, life, family, and problems. You were always concerned about his troubled relationship with his Mom. You didn’t like his eating habits, his music taste, his addictions, his lack of ambition. You wanted him to be more kind, hard-worker and less vain. You wanted him to be willing to try something new (in and out of bed). You wanted him to be more enthusiastic about traveling, hiking, practicing sports together, dancing… the list goes on, and on.
The main problem is that we tend to see a man we like as our own personal project.
At least, I did. I saw the potential of my ex-partner and wanted to him to succeed and be a better person. I thought I could help him to get there. That’s a naive approach of a woman blindly in love.
Your guy is who he is. He won’t change for anything unless he wanted to. But that’s on him. On his own evaluation of improvement and self-discovery. It’s not your mission on Earth to “fix” that person accordant to your standards of what is good and better.
I don’t know where I read this, but I tweeted this back in 2016:
I’ve been dating since I was 15 years-old. I can’t even count on two hands how many boyfriends I had. I’m single for almost nine months now.
I feel pregnant with myself.
I’ve been nurturing a person during this time. I wouldn’t say it’s a new person because I’ve been in this body for 29 years. But it’s definitely someone in development. I’m growing and learning more about the world around me and inside of me.
When I wrote about the theory that we only fall in love with three people in life, I said that I’ve experienced first and second love. By first being the one that happens when we are young and looks right even when it doesn’t feel right. And second being the hard love: lots of drama, emotional and even physical abuse or manipulation.
The theory says that your third love is the one that happens when you don’t expect. It happens naturally. No strings attached. No pressure. It’s the kind of connection that comes so easy it’s hard to even explain.
Remember the guy that I chose to get to know better? We were having a good time and I was really interested in getting to know him better, but then other situations made me uncomfortable about his attitude.
I decided to cut it off to optimize my time. We might not even have had a month together, but that was something telling me our values were different. Another day he reached me out and asked me about what exactly happened. I explained and he said it was too early to make the conclusions I made. He said we didn’t even get a chance to know each other. He might have some good arguments, but I decided to follow my heart.
My friends tell me that I should be careful to not become “too picky”.
First of all, I hate when people say that I have to be careful about anything. It’s like triggering fear into your system and preventing you from experiencing something new.
Second, what is “too picky” anyway? Knowing what I want? Well, I don’t expect to find a prince. I don’t believe in “finished product”.
I believe in partnership, chemistry, synchronicity, kindness, vision, loyalty, friendship and commitment.
In a worst-case scenario, I will have the companion of my best friends, my nephew, and children of friends. My biggest fear is not to be alone, but to be trapped and unhappy in a relationship. One of the worst feelings I experienced was feeling alone being with someone.
I’m faithful that better days are coming. I believe we are on this Planet to love.
Peace & ❤ — always!