Two weeks before Christmas I wrote my Mom a six-page long letter along with the tickets to visit me in California for my 30-year birthday. I added in the envelop this picture and a greeting card. It’s January and she hasn’t got the package yet —perhaps because she lives in a small town in the north of Southeastern Brazil or the Long Beach post-office was too overloaded with work to mail my envelop on time. I hope she gets the letter eventually. I truly put my heart on those pages, like I’m about to do now for you — and for me.
I left my Mom’s house when I was 17 to study Journalism in the capital of my state. Since then, I haven’t been with mother for longer than a week in 12 years. It blew my mind to realize that after reading this article, by Tim Urban. He found out that by the time we graduate from high school, we have spent up to 80% of our in person time with our parents. This struck me deeply.
I’m thrilled to see her reaction being in a foreign country for the first time, trying different food, interacting with people from different cultures and mindsets. I’m curious to find out how we are going to get along for the month we will spend together. And what would be our reaction when we get to know better the women we’ve become.
My mom might be shocked when she sees my bookshelf full of sex-related books or when I show my drawer full of vibrators and other toys. You might think I’m crazy for wanting to share all that with her, but I’ll tell you why this is so important to me.
My mom and I rarely talk about sex. She actually used to say that her biggest disappointment was when I told her I’d lost my virginity. I was 16 and thought my Mom was my best friend. What a mistake! She got so upset and worried about “my reputation” that she sent me to a gynecologist outside town. (Jeez! How ridiculous was that?)
I want to share my findings about sexuality with her not only because I think it would be energizing and satisfying, but also because they made me the woman I am today.
Differently from the girl who would felt ashamed and was yelled at for watching TV with the legs wide open, I’m proud to be an open-explorer of my own body. Something that would be absurd years ago. And let me clarify something here: I was always a curious-mind about sexuality. I remember to be masturbating since I was 6 year-old, but I have never talked so freely about it until I got to Silicon Valley in 2015.
I was in a entrepreneurial program at Draper U and I told my mentor that my goal was to empower women by educating them about their sexuality. I remember telling him that in a very quiet and low-tone, looking around not to cause too much alarm from my surroundings. He stopped me right there and said:
“If you want to empower women talking about sex you have to own your mission. Be proud of it. No shame. No concern. Just say it out loud”.
That was it. He opened my eyes from something I hadn’t even realized. I was being cautious talking about sex, a subject that is a taboo in many cultures. And by doing that, I was just reassuring that the topic remained marginalized. So I decided to talk about sex openly and with confidence.
You (and your curious-pervert-dirty) mind might be wondering what these mysterious findings of mine are. They embrace my search for understanding, self-discovery and improvement. There are dietary-habits, performance practices, motivational tips and sexual behaviors. I hope to write about my ways #ToBecomeOdara in the following weeks. For now, I’ll content myself to share three tips/advice that changed my sexual life.
Take a shower in the dark
Simple and effective. When you take a shower you can clean not only your body, but your mind from negative thoughts and use that time to discover some beautiful and pleasurable parts of yourself. So, here is what I do whenever I have time for a good relaxing shower. I turned off the lights of the bathroom while I shower. Sometimes, I light some candles or use the lantern of my phone to give me a bit of light, so it doesn’t get too dark to a point it’s dangerous to fall or hurt myself.
I turn off the lights, turn up the fun!
I gently start stroking my body in different parts and with different pressure. You might think this is silly or that you don’t have time for this kind of shit. It’s up to you to try or not. I’m just saying that I learned a lot about my body by touching myself during dark showers. Music always helps. So, I usually play something sexy or relaxing. I don’t even necessarily touch my intimate parts. It’s more about being aware of how a specific part of my body feels when it’s touched than the touch itself.
I noticed for example that when I touch the intern part of my tights starting on the up side of my hip and slowly moving down to my groin I feel aroused, but when someone else does it I don’t. I was surprised to find that out. Different strokes, levels of pressure, temperature and touches, really affects the way my body reacts to things. Sometimes it’s enjoyable, sometimes it’s uncomfortable and overwhelming, and other times one thing is extremely the opposite of the other. And I suddenly start to like things that I didn’t use to.
Wear lingerie for yourself
I incorporated this habit after listening to Dita Von Teese, the modern-queen of burlesque, and one of the most elegant, mysterious and sexy woman I know, talking about it. Dita says that she wears lingerie on the daily basis because it makes her feel empowered and sexy. As a smart-entrepreneur, with her own intimate apparel, the statement could be only part of her marketing strategy, I know. But still, I tried wearing lingerie whenever I felt I needed some extra motivation for my day and it really affected me. I enjoy the process of choosing the color I’m wearing for that day, the kind of fabric, matching bra and underwear or even incorporating a theme or character. It makes me feel sexy and powerful. It gives me confidence. I control what I wear and for whom I wear. In this case, to myself! No wonder why Oscar Wilde once said:
“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” Oscar Wilde
Read books or listen to podcast (It’s all about curiosity!)
Talking about power… I consider myself a sapiosexual, someone that finds intelligence sexually attractive or arousing. Long-engaging conversations are my favorite kind of foreplay. I love reading books and listening to podcasts. They are my fuel to get me going. Learning something new opens so many doors to connect with people. It allows me to explore the world in a more interesting way. For me, finding someone thirst for knowledge is sexy AF.
In a very rational analytical way, I guess I chose my sex-partners by their intellectual level. I found out that I enjoy sex way more with someone that is curious, confident and smart. It might be obvious for a lot of people, but for me it wasn’t that clear. I’ve tried to be interested in someone who was very good-looking but that I couldn’t really relate intellectually with the hope things could get better. It just didn’t work for me. Lesson learned.
“The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart…and being thoughtful, and generous”. Ashton Kutcher
Ashton Kutcher gets it very well. BTW, he is one of the few in my list of people who have only two chances with me: one right now and the other one whenever he wants it. LOL
In the letter I wrote to my Mom I talk about some of my self-discovery. I didn’t focused on my sexual explorations. That’s a topic that I want to explore more intimately with her. Perhaps open my box full of sex-toys and let her ask questions (would she?). Who knows! I’m glad I got the chance to put this post together. It will work as a guide line through the topics I want to discuss with her. She hasn’t get my letter yet and she doesn’t speak English, so please no spoilers!
Thanks for reading and See You Next Tuesday! ;-)
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