“Small dick sucks”, “not every girl squirts” and others lies about sex

I would see this guy whenever I was single and visiting my family during my school break. He was that popular dude who always promotes parties and comes from a traditional family. I remember we were having a good time and things were building up between us.

It was Summer break. Once we had a lot of fun at a concert and later decided to go to his house. I knew we were going to have sex for the first time. Foreplay was intense. I was in my early 20’s, he was a few years older. We were both very driven to have a lot of sex that night.

Fifteen minutes in and…he came and said:

— Small dick sucks, hun?

With my eyes wide opened, I mumbled something with my dry mouth. So many things in my mind at that moment: “It would be nice if he had said he was about to come”; “I cannot believe he went to the restroom and left me here with ‘blue balls’” and finally… “What comment was that about the size of his dick?”.

My internal debate was interrupted by an even worse comment of his:

— Fuck! The condom broke!

Nice! It wasn’t enough with all the confusion already in my mind, now I also had to worry about having a baby with this dude.

FML!

I asked him to go to the drugstore right away and buy me Plan B. In our small town, the drugstore closes at 10 p.m and one employee stays on duty.

It was around 4 a.m. So, the guy had to ring a bell and specify what he needed on a intercom. I remembered that he argued that it would be better if he goes in the morning, during their regular hours. Otherwise we would be the “subject” of the guy’s on duty shift and everyone in our town would know that we had sex — and that the condom broke. That would be hell for a young college student from a traditional catholic family. Bur at that point the only thing I cared was not be his Baby Mama. He went. I took a pill. Never got pregnant from that dude

…and never had sex with him again.

Not because of the size of his dick. Honestly, I don’t even remember it. It was smaller than average but that was not the reason why I didn’t want to sleep with him again.

His comment was funny and sad at the same time.

Funny because I didn’t expect so much honesty from him right after sex.
Sad because the comment carried a bit of resentment and a lot of frustration.

What really turned me off was his apathy regarding my pleasure and satisfaction. Even before realizing that the condom broke, he didn’t make any move to help me finish. He totally ignored the fact that I hadn’t come yet.

And I don’t mean to crucify this guy. The Rabbit Hole Goes Deeper.

I’ve had many experiences with guys who finish and totally ignore my pleasure.

I’m not saying you have to have an orgasm every time you have sex.

Sex is a communion. You are sharing something intimate with someone. You don’t necessarily need to be romantically involved with the person, but there are certain expectations involved in that dance. It’s a matter of “good manners”, “etiquette”…or called it “courtesy”.

Here is a basic (silly) list of good manners in bed:

  1. Make sure you are clean and smelling good (specially down there). If not and you are both still down for the cause, at least give your partner the option of not having oral sex.
  2. Be considerate with your partner. Check if they are comfortable with the position. For example, help them out with an extra pillow.
  3. Communicate. When you go to a restaurant you know what you like and what you dislike, right? In bed it’s quite the same. Let your partner know how you like your steak. Guide them to do things that you enjoy.

As matter of fact #3 opens door for a broader discussion.

Many of us don’t explore our own body because of fear, shame, pressure, beliefs, laziness, lack of interested and many other excuses. Consequently, there are very few tricks and tactics they know and share with their partner.

Result? A huge loss of unexplored experiences.

It’s like having tickets to Six Flags and never going on a ride and just walk around the park.

Not knowing your body is not only a huge miss of opportunity for a woman to find pleasure and self-awareness but also a very unfair game with their partner.

Why? Most women go to bed expecting that their partner would make than achieve an orgasm.

How can you expect that someone would know your body and preferences better than you?

One thing that moves me to write this series #ToBecomOdara is to inspire women to change the game, to touch themselves, to get to know the beautiful goodness that lives inside of them. It’s not your partner who makes you come. The little bottom called “clitoris” is ALL YOURS. It’s in YOUR VAGINA! So, go ahead…explore it. Find your way to it.

Here’s a list of things a woman can do to get an orgasm:

  1. Take a shower or a bath in the dark. I talked about it in my first post.
  2. Whenever chilling in bed by yourself, be more…hands on. Literally. Explore what you got down there. Get a little mirror and watch your vagina. Learn her contours and shape.
  3. Use some lube to make your exploration more enjoyable. You can even have a sex toy or a dildo to help you find out how do you like to be penetrated. If you like it. Some girls, don’t!
  4. Try OMGYes!, a subscription service offered in a website stocked with instructional videos that teaches you how to make women orgasm. The webseries was developed in a research that combined the wisdom of over 2,000 women, from 18 to 95 years, who revealed their techniques.

I personally tried all the four items of this list and talked about them with my girlfriends. Some of them couldn’t understand my point of self-exploration. They seemed to be annoyed when I described my orgasm. Were they jealous? When I told them about a time I made myself squirt I saw skepticism and doubt in their look.

It’s not a competition. Everyone can find their own path for happiness. It only depends on you!

By sharing my experience I intend to do nothing but make you consider exploring yourself as well. It’s fun and it can be magical too.

Squirting: the myths behind female ejaculation

Now, when it comes to squirting (female ejaculation), a lot of people will tell you: “It’s not possible”; “doesn’t exist”; “it must be pee”; “only a few women can do it”. To all of these comments I would respond: BULLSHIT.

The fluid comes from the female prostate or Skene’s glands. Guess what? One study noticed that only two thirds of the 33 women who participated presented the Skene’s gland.

However, a few questions come to mind:

  • Were these women examined by a doctor or simply responded to a questionnaire? The difference in the accuracy of the study is huge. How many of these 33 women actually knew their own body anatomy?
  • If examined by a doctor, were these women sexually aroused in the moment of the examination? It’s important to know because the urethra, vagina and clitoris share a vasculature and nerve supplied and formed as a tissue cluster. The place is described as “locus of female sexual function and orgasm” or G spot. These tissues around urethra swell with sexual arousal.

The study itself reports how the “literature is unclear” and “how female sexual function is very difficult to investigate”. The study comment that there’s a “lack of good basic science” that allows supposition and ignorance to blossom and wishes that Kinsey Institute do something to “illuminate this important area of human health”.

In my opinion and others,

Squirting is all about training and practice.

Scientifically, the viscous secretion can be white or slightly transparent. It exits from the urethra upon sexual arousal.

Even though I’m capable of squirting. I understand all the women who think they cannot: either for embarrassment, lack of information or pure pressure.

I’ll tell you, even though the “little key” is inside of me, sometimes I just cannot let it go.

I might be tense. Not too wet. Not too comfortable with my partner or just dehydrated.

A lot of women think that when they squirt they actually urinate during intercourse (BTW, drink tons of water throughout the day if you are planning on squirting later 😂).

The feeling might be explained by a tiny pressure in our urethra when we are about to expel the first jet.

Many women feel insecure and have even undergone surgery in the bladder because they thought it was a case of incontinence.

The Skene’s gland (aka “female prostate”) has being described over 300 years ago, it’s remarkable to notice the lack information about the gland. Imagine how much gain we would have if we knew more about it. What else do the “female prostate” do? What are the others benefits associated with them? Are there any potential problems?

We need more women in Science and in many other fields to change this reality. We need more women incorporating the idea of becoming Odara and taking charge of their lives and bodies. I’m also in constant learning and if there’s one thing I can say I already know about myself it’s that

The more we know the better it gets!

How about you? Have you explored your own body? What did you find out? Share with us & become Odara daily! See You Next Tuesday! ;-)

Finger-test drive, by Richard Reis. Try it out how many times can you hit 👏 in 5 seconds. Practice here on Medium and later in the big comfy of your bed. It’s great cardio for your fingers AND will help other people see the story.

How do you do #ToBecomeOdara?
Tell me! @anaclaraotoni.

Journalist. Sustainability, Social Justice & Gender Equality. Becoming Odara daily. Passionate about life, sexuality & wine. Mugs lover.